I began 2011 catapulted back to 2005. I shouldn't be surprised. It is almost impossible to return to places of the past and find yourself immediately able to reconcile the person that you are now with the person that you were then. And so I find myself sitting in the present on a bed of the past, contemplating the future and wondering how many people must find themselves in this situation on New Year's Day. All I can say is that I am glad to be ON the bed and not IN it...there is a difference, I will have you know.
The heating is off and the window ajar in order to expel some of the mugginess left over from last night.The grey continental humidity hangs over me in an oppressive cloud and I wonder if I was right to reject my present paradigm in favour of that of the past, if only for a weekend. I reflect on words exchanged over the auspiscious night of transition occurring but a few hours ago. I think about what a difference night makes to one's feelings, thoughts and emotions; But what is this difference? Is it a distortion of reality or, like after a little too much alcohol, a bringer of truth?
It is not yet light here, nor do I think it ever will be. The fog and the rain forbid me from reaching the clarity of the sun I am seeking. Are night and day as simple as they seem or is the beautiful ball of fire blinding? And does the darkness shed on my surroundings illuminate thoughts and feelings I could not previously access for it said then when one is deprived of one sense, others are accentuated?
Whatever the answer is, I must keep moving forward however much the past clings to me, sometimes like a sickness I cannot shake. Now is not the time to give into fear. I will live my life and I will seize each opportunity as it comes and today, maybe for the first time in many months, I can almost feel excited about where it will take me.
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